I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
