Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
