I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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