I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
