There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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