ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
