I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
