I accidentally had phone sex last night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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