I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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