this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
