Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
