my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
