bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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