she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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