On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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