My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
