guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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