Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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