I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
