If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
