I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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