Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
