Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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