I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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