It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
