I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
