Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
