I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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