I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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