I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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