Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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