if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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