He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
