someone get that fucking seahorse.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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