Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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