Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
