I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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