I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
