I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
