so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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