So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
