do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
