Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
