drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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