Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
