my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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