You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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