please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize