Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
