those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
