Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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