Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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