I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
