How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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